yesterday i spent a while curled up in the fetal position on top of my covers. among many of the things that crossed my mind was the idea of ending it. in the last couple years that thought has crossed my mind more times than i am comfortable with. every time it does, the thing that always holds up as the ultimate reason why i won’t do it is my son. he has probably literally saved my life hundreds of times and doesn’t even know it. even if he weren’t around, i don’t know if i would have actually followed through with it, but he’s the only thing that acts as an absolute deterrent.
i came in to work today and found out that one of my coworkers had taken her life yesterday. she had had a terrible year. her sister died of cancer and then her husband informed her that he wanted a divorce. he informed her of this THE DAY OF HER SISTER’S FUNERAL. while I didn’t know her as well as some others here did, i worked with her on a regular basis and she had shared some of her personal life with me. she talked about how great her kids were. she really loved them. she was dating someone.
it saddens me more than i can handle to think about her taking her life. to know that whatever pain she felt was so great that she was able to cross over that line of thinking about it and actually did it. i have felt so much sadness and loneliness and hopelesness in the last couple of years and even in the midst of the pain, i knew that it would pass, that it would end SOME DAY and i would be better.
it breaks my heart in a million pieces to think about what she must have been feeling, and that she felt alone and that there was no way to stop the pain but to take her own life. now her children don’t have their mother and i’m sure some day they may understand what she was going through, but her life is over now.
it scares me to know that at some point yesterday, we were both thinking of taking our lives. and she did it. some people call suicide cowardly. i think it’s just the human instinct to STOP PAIN, and i don’t believe that anyone who is a coward would follow through with it. i think she had a big big heart that was hurting beyond what she could bear.
suddenly the things i’ve been hurting about just don’t matter. or at least not nearly as much. her absence today is a punch in the gut and reminds me that every one of us brings something to the world, and that we WILL be missed.
